MIA - 'Missing In Action'

this is only because ive got pretty pictures, and this is coinciding with whatever i have.

After a trend of hiatus for the past 3 months, more or less, I am back.

I think i should stop having this 'I am going to blog more often' mode, because evidently after the 100th time, I am still, not in the mode.

I am in the middle of my finals now. With only one more paper to go, and feeling more and more miserable after every paper.

I have this strong feeling that says 'You-messed-it-up, woman', now that I am approaching the end of the semester.

Could have done so much, but I didnt. And i didn't know why.

I tried, but its not good enough.

So that, is really irking me off.

I've been in solitude most of the time. If not, only within the comfort of two people, at most, weekly.

I think the world hates me. Or maybe, they're angry that I decided to ditch them halfway through.

Recently, a debate friend of mine passed away. Got into a freak accident in Lebuhraya Karak. Such a nice man, who had dreams of becoming somewhere in debate. And the sad part, i never wanted to know him that bad, rather than the occasional 'hello's at tournament.

The even sadder part, is that I just spoke to him a week before Allahyarham passed away, and he was already telling how he looks forward to see us, IIU debaters at the next tourney.

His sister is coming to IIU in December for a debate tournament, I hope him returning back to God is not going to let her passion for debate wither out, but rather burns it further so she can live a dream that he didn't get to.

I've been getting myself into trouble too. Like a few of 'em.

I'm more angry than often these days. Mostly with the world.

So i shut the world out. And the world did the same.

Back then, i never quite understand how can a person be so angry at so many things, for so long. Its almost like this feeling that you will never get sick of being angry.

But i do now. I get angry with so many things, that the teeniest of thing would irk me so bad that i could burn the place down. or burn myself down. just like rihanna's 'love the way you lie'.

Limewire recently got court injunction. So everyone can delete their limewire software now, because its no good for downloading illegally. Of course, everyone can finally opt for iTunes, where you PAY.

I've seen the iPad. and its so BEAAAUUTIIIFUULL.

no kidding. like i know when things are overrated, but iPad, NOT overrated.

PS3 overrated, LCD HD TV overrated, blu-ray disc whatever shit overrated.

Gladiator shoes used to be overrated. Looking indie (or trying hard to look indie) is overrated.

iPhone 3GS/4 is overrated and Fly Fm anniversary is overrated.

But iPad, NOT overrated.

so sleek, and gives you that comforting feeling. not because its Apple stuff, because you do things you love on it, and you can do it ANYTIME, anywhere.

im into comfy stuffs these days.

twisted one of the vein wearing heels the other day.

almost regretted buying that heels, but decided that i am not, because its such a pretty shoes.

kinda afraid to go home now, cos dad and mom pissed off with some stuffs i did over in campus.

so yeah.

and ive officially removed the word 'holiday' from my dictionary. because i know no such thing.

my debate life has OFFICIALLY replaced whatever holiday that i have for the rest of my degree life.

selections debate, crap as usual. ranking last in the top 12th. so that makes me entitled to ONLY one tournament, Royals, in the second team. Say bah-bye to Botswana, London and UPM (HAHA!)

Aside from how life has withered out to further crappy-ness, other than that, I am just surviving. really.

its already middle of november. what did you do the whole one year to date?

i didnt do much. but time doesnt turn back.

ahhh. sucker.

-kd-

tired

im currently in this bout of solemn, depression-ish moodswings.

i'd like to step out of it soon, before my future crashes down.

-kd-

....

God, this is so crap.

-kd-

Its almost weird

I think its almost weird :-

when someone's boyfriend is meeting the ex; and the girlfriend is fine with it.
she's cool and she acknowledges it.

she doesn't want to see the ex, neither does she wants to be friend with the ex of her boyfriend, but she doesn't mind him seeing his ex.

after all she knows, that even if the ex doesn't matter anymore, the ex would always be his past. the past of which, she was not a part of, and the past that only belongs to him and can never be taken away.

she doesn't mind, also because she does the same too with her ex. and he cannot take that away from her, because it is her past. and her past belongs to her.

deep down, the only reason that she allows the ex back into his life, because she wants him to do the same thing when it comes to her ex. and because she understands that once you love someone, the person never quite leave your heart. its almost a comforting feeling, to be able to see that person again, even if the situation or the feeling doesnt quite feel the same anymore.

and then, she waited 3 hours, at the very same place the boyfriend met his ex. tried to camouflage, like she was not part of the picture.

its like that picture, where the focus is on two people, but there's someone at the corner of the picture, blending in the environment. no one saw her, or notice her. but she is still, nonetheless, part of the picture.

and she got a different feeling.
a feeling like she's losing grip of him. him, of whom has always been hers all this while. only 3 hours later.

a second would change the world, what more would 3 hours?

it pained her to see him beaming with happiness, the psyched face when he's too excited about something. dressing up for her, and asking the girlfriend if he looks good and decent enough to see the ex.

the boyfriend came back into the girlfriend's arms, telling her how much he misses her. and how much he loves her. and how much he is glad that she is his world now, and not the ex.

only after telling the girlfriend how much fun he had with the ex.

no matter how much he has been convincing her, she cant quite convince herself that he's still hers. because right now, in her head, he is already slipping away.
its just time that will tell her that she's wrong or right.
because she has seen it before, and she knows what this will lead to, eventually.

guess what,he saw her again today.
she doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

"i was too nice to let it slide"

lets hope thats not what she will say sometime in the future.



-kd-

Suffocated

Have you had those feelings like you are suffocated?

Like life is overbearing, or at least the thought of it is overbearing?
And the idea that things can just spin out of control; and just did spun out of control a few minutes ago?
The idea that life is so small, that there isn't much of a room to move around. So small that you feel like you are being stuck in a room that gets smaller by second?

White room that just closes up on you, with walls getting closer and closer to you till the view gets smaller, and the space to breathe gets shallower.

I think i just did.
I just spun my heart out of control.
This, is definitely not good.

Sometimes, this is why it is not good to live in the past.



I wanna, wanna, wanna, speak French.

-khadi-

That Sucky Feeling

Have you had those days, where everything just went well and you can say after a long time that you had a really good day, then suddenly you found out something not so nice, the happy feeling was suddenly ruined?

I just had that.

My classes went really well, I like all my lecturers, well except for one, but I like the subject, and I like how she teaches you step by step and takes the trouble to explain to you, so I can tolerate her for this one semester.

Then i'm released from the state of being broke today, because....I am not telling you.

And I had a really good laugh at Sarah because she got selected to PLKN, and I got to post shoutouts that I don't usually get to, in fear of tarnishing my debating career.

See? Good day.

Then, i found out something about a person, whom I've been occasionally stalking (only because I have nothing better to do) and meant a lot in the past.
And found out why we never kept in touch since the last time we see each other.
Even now, that I overcame my fear to keep in touch, and hoping he would, he never did.
But today I know why he never did come by to do so.

Kind of makes you feel crappy when that happens doesn't it?

Of course, we EVENTUALLY step out of it, but really, momentarily, it just ruins your awesome day.

"happy 60th... :))))"

i shouldnt have seen that.

I still do.

-kd-

away from home

i'm going back to campus tomorrow.
I am currently in this phase of 'sedih nak balik campus'.

god, i am missing home already. and everyone in it.

and i'm missing mom's birthday again this year. Daddy's not too pleased about it.
I hope mom doesnt mind.

If you're a family or close friends.
I love you guys very much.
And i'm gonna miss you guys alot.

-kaydee.-

About Old Love

I was just watching 'Australia'. Yes a movie that was released last year. This one actually could compete with Hindi movie, being a 3 hrs and 45 mins movie. Crazy man.

But this movie also taught me something new.

Remember how we all always look at our parents and say 'God, they last really long'. Like my mom and dad, been married for about 21-22 years (i am just assuming, since I am twenty, so they should get married a year or two before i am born. The love of their life!)

Or even those couples who could celebrate their 50th anniversary. You could only say, "God, they must have been sick with each other".

Like my grandparents. My grandmom got married to Granddad when she was 16yrs old. And she passed away when she was 70-ish turning 80. That would be a whooping SIXTY FOUR YEARS! yes. and he loved her and she loved him for every minute of their life. Although they have small quarrels in Banjar language; although incomprehensible, still adorable nonetheless.

But the girl sitting next to you in class, her relationship lasted for 3 months.
The boy down the corner of the class, 5 months.
The girl down the end of your dorm, 1 month.
You get the drift by now.

Even hitting the one-year anniversary already makes you feel so sick and dead bored of the other person; and by the one-year mark, you would have envisioned many not-so-beautiful stuffs. Like secretly imagining strangling him and slamming his head over and over to the car window till he's all squishy. Or imagining having a bulldozer or a military tank and run him over till he's flat, reverse, and run him over, AGAIN.
Or, my most favourite, push him down the long winded staircase like Batu Caves' ones, and then let him roll and die, walk down to the ground and you jump over his head over and over and over again till, well, it doesnt look like his head anymore.

:] Heh.

Of course these are the MANY thoughts you have; partially contributed to how INDEPENDENT and LIBERAL we are today. Especially referring to women, because men have always been so LIBERAL and INDEPENDENT for many gazillion years.

(you wait till we figure out how to mate by ourselves, then we wont be needing you. HEH.)

But back then, love just go through everything. Hence the quotation 'Lautan bara pun sanggup ku renangi" (direct translation : sea of fire, i will swim through).
You've at least watched THOUSANDS of 'challenged love stories'; like Titannic, Pearl Harbour, Devdas, Australia, and Romeo and Juliet. And if you insist, Lagenda Budak Setan (because that story is just tragic; too tragic).

Well, if you haven't, then darling, you are NOT a woman.

But really, i think the true key to surviving a relationship right now, or have that fiery, passionate love with your lover for the next 5 million years would be to be in the middle of the war, or get stuck in a caste system, or have an arranged marriage or inter-religion love.
(this is arranged from the worst case scenario to the least worst case scenario).

You wanna know why?
This is where the juicy part comes.

BECAUSE THEY HAVE BETTER AND MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT THAN :-
1) Is he cheating on me?
2) Why didn't he call me tonight?
3) Why didn't he buy me dinner?
4) I think I am feeling distant from him. I think I am losing my love for him.

Wanna know why?
Because, the things that they worry more would be :-
1) Is he dead yet?
2) Will he be coming back in one piece?
3) Would my father kill me and chop me or instruct an honour killing if i flee and run away?
4) Will our families assassinate us if we elope?

Yes. I have revealed to you world's secret to a lasting relationship.

NOT TO BOTHER YOURSELF WITH PETTY STUFFS.

Because there are more important things to worry out there.
At the end of the day, to these people with so much challenge in their life, all they want to do is bask in each other's arms and be comforted by the idea of having one another, a peaceful life and both alive.
Ignoring the insecurities of why he didn't do this and do that and what not.

My grandparents lived through the Japanese Era.
My parents were born with no trust funds. Just pure cold hard sweat; earning every freaking bucks.

That's why they made it.
Because they believe, insecurities is not befitting in their situation.

Now, go and say sorry to your boyfriend or husband or whoever. At least you won't have to worry about receiving a news from some General that your loved one was blown to pieces in some war-torn countries.



-Kd-

Debate

First thing first, I need to write this down.

FUCK. YOU. yes, you heard me. FUCK YOU.

haih, that feels good. I just need to write it down somewhere, don't worry, i am not talking about you.

Currently listening to "Cooler than me - Mike Posner". Definitely a feel good song. Makes you feel so good, and cool.

Its like when you listen to that song, you feel like "Hahahahaha!Ko bajet ko tu cool sangat ke? Aku lagi cool la. At least I am not poyo mcm you, and darling, i can so do it so much better than you do, except I DONT WANT TO! *laughs at the person face*"

Told you. Feel good song. Go listen to it.

That all, aside, im having another insomniac wave.
Sleepy, but cannot sleep. This is so cramping my style. How much do you wanna bet that i will only be falling asleep at 6am? Because that's been it the past 5 days.

I'm not trying hard enough? Don't worry. I have.
Try being in bed the past two hours, lying, tossing left and right, counting sheeps, counting circles, counting fingers, playing with shadow, talking to myself, singing along to Mike Posner (for probably the 100th time by now), and telling myself to sleep.
I have no idea what is wrong. I think too much sugar intake per day la.
Home is heaven, I had TWO apple strudel today. :)

But of course this post isnt gonna be talking about everything else i have mentioned above, but to talk about debate.

My bestfriends hate debate because debate booked me more days of the year than they could.
I, despite missing the weekends, home, family, best friends, peaceful nights not worrying about matterloading, still like debate.

I like the adrenaline rush of saying things and make the other opponents feel 'HAHA! KO BODOH' feeling :)

you see, i dont get to do that often in real life, because i'm nice. I have yet to go up to someone and say "Eh bangang, jangan semak depan muka aku boleh tak?" or "Bodoh" or "Fuck you"; although i have fantasy of saying such things, OUT LOUD. Because my momma taught me well, and i am generally people-pleaser.

So the only time i can do that, or permits myself to do that is during debate. C'mon, everyone just needs to bitch. Its a matter of how you do it. And furthermore, EVERYONE in debate clans are bitchy anywaayy... so i wouldnt wanna be left out.

I don't like how debate is taking so much of my time, the remaining time that I use to pamper myself. (yes, I always pamper myself, or make people pamper me) But I truly believe that to be good at something, you have to make it your life.

Hence, including debate in EVERY FREAKING ASPECTS of my life. If you could read my mind, every 1 min would be dedicated on how some article or line in the newspaper can be used as a good argument. Its like how every 10 secs, men think about sex, yeah the same thing.

I'm not good at debating, but I wanna be good at it. Like super duper awesome at it, and win some humongous tournament, get on the newspaper, gets interviewed on teevee, get on the wall of fame in IIUM and get MONEYHH. lots of them.

Ultimately, I want the fame, popularity, and power. :)
Yes, I am a power-hungry person.
I don't wanna be just GOOD at debate,
I wanna be AWESOME and be KNOWN for that awesomeness.
Haih, such an attention whore :)

But you get the drift.
Debate is dirty, because everyone is super smart, so they play dirty politics.
Like 'i don't like you so i find some twisted reason to give you a loss' or 'i don't like you so i keep pairing you up with bullshit debater' or 'i don't like you so i be the president and turn everyone against you' kind of shit.
scary huh? and that is like a fraction of the drama that happens in debating scene.

Why i wanna be good?
Because i wanna say to the face of people that screw me over,
"I am not just pretty, and smart, but I am also fucking good at debating,and the best part, i dont even have to play dirty politics like you do".

I really do.
Sometimes it's sad when you work so hard for that spot to get into a specific team, and they wont let you in because 'you are not good enough' or 'you lack experience' without commanding the kind of effort you put into getting where you are, that really kicks the heart and smashing it.

Or when they don't want to be friend with you because 'you're not good enough so no one knows you, so you're not worthy of being a friend to us the important people'
Or when they compare you to your comrades who are so much more experienced than you, and say 'you still suck since the last time we saw you'.

Those kinds of things.

These are the only reasons why I make it a point to make debating my life.
To prove them that they are wrong.
Because I am smart, and I can be good at something, if I want to.
And if I want it bad enough and willing to work hard for it.

I am rarely a slow learner, I just need to know first.

When I get there,
I don't wanna be friends with people who chose to discriminate and isolate me.
Because 'I am not good enough'.

You wait and see,
I will be the president, and I will rule you out of your own club.

Here's to terrorizing debating scene,
Because you guys are not nice.

*plays 'Paris For President*

courtesy to Iona, now everytime I think about being a president, that song popped in my head

The debate part of life is shared.
For now, I shall continue the next two hours staring emptily to the ceiling of my room



-Khadi-

For that previous Flame

This is for that old flame, I never gotten over.
I still miss you once in a while.



Take care, I hope you're doing well over there.

-khadi-

Insomnia

I had a terrible night last night. Was in bed at 3am only to fall asleep at 7am.
And had to wake up to go to Gombak at 8.30am.

One and a half hour of sleep.

Horrible. I was closing my eyes throughout the 4 hours, convincing myself to sleep. In between the convincing, i remembered a friend once said, "it's easier to fall asleep when you don't think about making you fall asleep". So i counted sheeps in my head, i imagined boxes - yellow, red, purple, brown, black. And then i stopped thinking about sleeping, to trick my mind into making me fall asleep, but to no success.

By now, you should feel sorry for myself.
Because,
Above all things, I treasure my sleep the most.

When it comes to the worst of days, i'll get over the day by sleeping.
If i am stressed, I sleep.
When i am pissed off and in the mood to kill someone else, to avoid getting myself into trouble, I sleep.
When i am so hungry but I am too lazy to go out and find food, I sleep.

My life pretty much is dedicated to sleeping.
Hence, showing you how utterly important for me to sleep.
And more than anyone else in the world, I tend to get very upset and irritated and disappointed when the one thing that I like most in the world, cannot be done.
Especially, with all those practices over the years, you kinda figured out its the simplest thing to do next to drinking and eating.
It's like when its hibernation period, and you being the polar bear, when all the other polar bears have fallen asleep; you, cannot fall asleep. and ended up staring at the ceiling of your cave.

By now, you would be wondering, what would be the result to my 'messed up body clock'; directly quoting Bobsie.
I have no idea.
I'm bidding its either the excessive hours i've been sleeping, or the sleeping late, or the mind overdrive, or maybe its the environment.

I'm getting really restless just trying to make myself fall asleep. It's like there's something wrong when i wanna fall asleep. Whether its the bed, the weather, or maybe the mind; not tired enough to shut down.

But i think it's PMS. Just like last month.

Whatever it is, it better be gone, because 3 more days like this, I'm gonna be a VERY VERY cranky woman.

Ohwell. I am gonna try going to bed again in a while.

What's your bid when you can't fall asleep?

p.s : I like it when everyone has this attitude on days that I am moody

-The Woman Who Gets Real Cranky When She Cannot Sleep-

one-perspective problem

ya ya, im on a blogging streak. tak abis-abis nak blog je.

anyway, i just survived a verbal massacre. one ugly ones. between the close peeps in my life. you know how when you are in a fight with your siblings and your mom comes and makes everyone stand in a straight line and then ask who started it, and EVERYONE starts playing the 'blame game'?

yeah. i just had that. only this time around, i was forced to be in the middle of it, and they're all into their second decade of life. pathetic, maybe. needed, definitely.

but lets not go to that excruciating details of it, because im now struck with the wave of insomnia, thanks to the shock of being forced to be there.
well except for the part where i openly declared "i need to pee" and managed to leave battlefield for 20mins before they came hunting for me.
ugh. scary gila babi okay?

have anyone heard about one-perspective problem?

yes. its new, its there, its unsaid.
remember the fight you have with your best friend.
or the fight with your boyfriend.
or with your mom or your sister.
it could really be about anything and everything, but essentially this is why we have that fight.

'because your perspective (or side of the story) is not my perspective; hence it is automatically wrong and it is dumb'.

yes, as simple as that.
how many times the person at the other end of the fight does not want to listen to you, because it is not what he thinks the explanation should be; or at least it did not sound like what he wants it to be.
and you continue to shut your brain from receiving that person's explanation; simply because
1- you can
2 - well, he's not explaining it correctly.

of course, when it comes to this context, when we talk about 'correctly' explaining something, it's something to do with 'explaining something like how i wanna hear it because if it's not; then it doesnt apply'.

Dumb as you're reading through this post, maybe. but how many times have we been stuck in such a moment?
the moment of i dont wanna talk to you because you're not making sense.

don't worry, you're not the only one. i have them too, but really, i know its there. the problem is there.

so what would be the solution when you come across OPP (one-perspective problem)?

two words : SHUT UP. and then you listen, and then consider.

its really that simple. just because it doesnt fit your perspective of how you want things to be, or how you think it is, doesnt make it wrong.
it just makes it different.

because sometimes, you see everything from different angle. its like that story of these 5 blind men feeling elephants and describing the elephant.

blind man 1 : it has long nose
blind man 2 : it has big leg
blind man 3 : it has big tummy
blind man 4 : it has small tail
blind man 5 : it has rough saggy skin.

now, think about this. just because blind man 1 said elephants have long nose, doesnt mean that elephants do not have big leg, big tummy, small tail and rough saggy skin.
its just that you're seeing (or since they're blind, the correct word would be 'feeling') the different part of it.

sometimes, all we need to solve a fight is to listen to what the other person have to say.

remember, key word is : SHUT UP. yes. say it with me, SHUT UP.

let us all fight OPP!
I know i've started, but have you?



-kaydeeeeeeeeeee-

its not that i dont like PDAs

good god. after 2 days of stumbling over PDAs all over blogs, and facebook (like shoutouts every 5 secs) telling people how you feel inside, i have a few opinions :-

one, i think its extremely healthy. like when you have a certain song you wake up to in the morning and you start humming it in shower, and you just cannot get it out of your head, and you wanna tell someone about it, so you type it on facebook.

or you have that certain feeling in pure randomness, like that feeling of suddenly wanting to jump up and down and start jiggling and you wanna share it to the world, that's good.

two, when you get that 'i love you, sayang' totally randomly across the other person's facebook profile, that's cute too. regardless of how much i'm against PDA (public display of affection), i still do it too once in a while. and he does it more frequently than not. but thats good. PDA is definitely sweeter than chocolate indulgence in secret recipe.

three, i think its also extremely happy when you want to express deepest, darkest side of your personality or just how fucked up you feel at that particular point in time. its the satisfaction of being able to read on your facebook profile or your blog

"Khadijah Shamsul says F**K YOU."

"Yes, I am F**king Pissed with you. Go piss off"

See? Makes you feel good just reading about it, dont you?

But what i would label as unbearable would be, those lovey dovey relationships turning sour.

A-ha, not just ANY relationship. its the immature ones.

Like how in primary school, you like this boy who likes this girl who likes this other boy who likes you. Those kind of thing.

And you start complaining and ranting

"sob. sob. my boyfriend dumped me for the other bitch"

"oh, i am so confused right now, to love my boyfriend or to love that dude who loves me but i dont love him. oh what do i do now? *dramatic pose*"

"that fucking bitch stole my fucking boyfriend. im gonna get back to her"

"oh we are so not meant to be together. im so heartbroken. sob, sob"

and then a week later,

"oh we are so happy together now, me and that dude who i thought i'd never fall in love with before *glowy face*"

"my boyfriend and i are so happy and meant for each other. happy 1 week anniversary Baybee!! *screams like a typical high school girl*"

"im so over 'insert-name-here'. now im together with 'insert-another-name-here' "

For real?

Do WE (this is of course speaking for the entire community of strangers, aside from your school friends, and whoever else, who CHOOSE to know about your life) want to read that?

i think what really irked me, is that, these are not even real life stuffs that people CAN relate to.

well, for one, i definitely do not know how to get over a heartbreak in one week. let alone wrap myself on the idea of switching boyfriends every week.

what im REALLY trying to say is, sometimes you should always give merits to what you write. there should always be a level of integrity in your writing, yes, be it even on your facebook wall. i believe it should go beyond just ranting about things that only you care about, but to more things that people actually want to read.

this is why Aisha won that blogger award, because she writes stuffs even random stranger would wanna read.

sometimes, you gotta be wise with what you write. so that people like me, who occasionally judge, would not think of you as a high-school-drama type. yes, i am stereotyping. you call it onto yourself.

love, life, relationship, always need to have that certain level of maturity. its not just about falling in love (or thinking that you're in love) and then telling the whole world about it and then screwing it over the minute after. we think THAT is pathetic. honestly.

of course, there's always an option to walk away, but sometimes i just read through people's blogs and shoutouts to annoy myself and then have something to bitch about :)

see? you wont be reading this far if i wasnt appealing to you, like how i wasnt appealed to the facebook shoutouts and blogs to be patient enough to know the end. *evil smirk*

-kd-

beauty pageant and why we should have it

i was watching 'Miss Universe Malaysia' just a few hours back. always have loved to watch beauty pageant all my life. something about beauty on parade just catches you and attract you.

like iona said, "we, humans are systemized to recongnise beauty".

well i dont actually like the idea of these women being beautiful, but i believe to a certain extent, having such competition would really help us, the very ordinary people on sunday night with nothing better to do.

i think indirectly the beauty pageant helps boost your confidence as that normal person. because FINALLY, you can openly scrutinize, condemn and openly discriminate people's look.

after all, it IS a beauty pageant. you are expected to be 'beautiful' to even be in the running for the title.

and us, the couch potato, eventhough we aint half as pretty as those creatures in bikinis, at least we dont have to live up to THOSE expectations *evil laughs*

and c'mon, you've got to agree how good it feels to just say it out loud "she is so fat, how did she get in?" or "god, she's so ugly, how did she get so far?"

because unlike you, they put themselves up for that scrutiny. and when they pick a super ugly evening wear, HEH HEH HEH HEH. all that figure, with no fashion sense, does not work wonders.

and then comes the questionnaire part, some just give the most bonkers of answers, you would tell god, 'put me there, i would have make so much more sense!'.

of course i have nothing against beauty pageant. i appreciate and command them for their effort in being where they were.

(although i think i would put up a good fight, only if i'm 10cm more than now :)

its just me, what i think of beauty pageant, and why it still stays till this very day.

a celebration to women indeed!

-kd-

i want to...

I want to write to LeLove because its so interesting in there.

Sharing love stories, that people generally don't want to listen.

Either because they're not in love, or they're not heartbroken or they simply don't care about your love, since it is not their love.

LeLove, LeLove, LeLove.

But i haven't decide on which to write about. So many close to heart, but do not know which to share.

Have you gotten over the last love?

Letting Go

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short

- author unknown

new template! new template!

yes. ive revamped the blog.
after much consideration of making a new blog, i decided against it.
ive got far too much memories being here, i'd like to keep it that way.
after all, i always have that issue of hard-to-let-go.

oh well, new skin, new fraction of life, new kind of randomness.

cheers to me! :)

A letter for you

unavoidable law. super funnyeh.

UNAVOIDABLE LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you will have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of ‘being watched’ is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning or soon thereafter, you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (Happens every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water or in the shower, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you do not want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

17. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

18. Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

:) good day

-khadi-

I am so rajin to blog these days!

The 30 Most Satisfying Simple Pleasures Life Has to Offer

worldofpossibility:

1. Sleeping In on a Rainy Day – As the rain beats lightly against the window, you nestle your head deeper into your pillow. The sound is soothing and your bed feels like a sanctuary. There is no place you would rather be.
2. Finding Money You Didn’t Know You Had – You reach into your pocket and find a $20 bill from the last time you wore these jeans. You aren’t rich, but you are richer than you were a second earlier.
3. Making Brief Eye Contact with Someone of the Opposite Sex – You pass her on the street or in the subway. She glances up at you momentarily, making direct eye contact in a way that seems to communicate a subtle curiosity. For a split second it makes you think… and then it’s gone.
4. Skinny Dipping – There is something mysteriously liberating about being naked in a body of water. You are naked, but it feels natural, a sense of unrefined freedom.
5. Receiving a Real Letter or Package via Snail Mail – E-mail has become the primary source of written communication. Most snail mail these days is junk mail. When you check the mail and find a real letter or package from someone you know, excitement overtakes you as you tear into this rare gift.
6. Making the Yellow Light - It’s one of the most common simple pleasures, the act of beating the pack. As you blaze through the yellow light you glance in your rearview to see all the cars behind you stopping at the red light. Yes! You made it!
7. Telling a Funny or Interesting, True Story - One of the most enticing roles you lead in life is that of the storyteller. You love to share stories, especially those that will captivate your audience with deep curiosity and humor. There are few things more satisfying than telling a true story that others enjoy listening to.
8. Seeing a Friend Stumble Over Himself – As you walk across the street with your friend, he fails to accurately address the curb on the other side. He trips and stumbles around momentarily before regaining his footing, then swiftly attempts to play it off like nothing happened. This can be a hilarious sight if the moment is right.
9. Hearing the Right Song at the Right Moment - It doesn’t matter what the setting is, hearing the right song for that moment is one of those simple pleasures in life that instantly lifts your spirits. You could be driving home from work, hanging out at a bar with friends, or jogging. When the right song rattles your ear drums the entire meaning of life seems crystal clear.
10. The First Sip of a Beverage When You’re Thirsty – You just finished mowing the lawn or taking a long jog. The only thing on your mind is an ice-cold glass of water. When you are really, really thirsty, that first sip of any liquid beverage is sheer bliss.
11. Catching a Glimpse of Bare Skin on the Opposite Sex – For guys, it’s when the waitress bends over a little too far. For girls it’s seeing that buff guy in a Speedo. Either way, when you see a bit more skin than you were expecting on the opposite sex, you can’t help but to smirk on the inside.
12. Saying the Same Thing Simultaneously – There is a moment of silence. Then all of the sudden you and your friend blurt out the same exact set of words simultaneously. This rare occurrence is something to smile about.
13. The Pull-Through Parking Spot – You pull into a parking spot and are delighted to see the availability of the parking spot immediately in front of you. You pull through to the spot in front so that when you return to the car you can drive forward out of the parking spot. Why? Because driving backwards is a pain in the butt.
14. Realizing You Have More Time to Sleep – Something abruptly awakens you and you think it’s time to get up. Then you squint over at your alarm clock and realize you still have 2 more hours to sleep. A warm euphoric feeling shoots though your body as you glide gracefully back to your dreams.
15. People Watching – Sitting there on your bench you can see people in every direction. Tall people, small people, thin and plump. Blond, brunette, and redhead alike. Each of them has a different stride and a unique expression. As you drift from body to body you are mesmerized by what you see.
16. Putting On Clothes Straight from the Dryer – As soon as the dryer buzzes, you pull out your clothes and put them on. They feel soothingly warm on your skin and emit a fresh-scented aroma into the air. A sentiment of ease comes over you as you head out to conquer the day.
17. A Familiar Smell – You just pulled into your parent’s driveway and opened the car door. You haven’t been home in a long while. You smell familiarity in the air, the scent of a large pine tree in the neighbor’s yard. As you head through the front door, more familiar smells consume your senses. Gosh, it feels good to be home…
18. The Feeling You Get When Your Idea Works – You have been struggling to resolve a complex problem all day and you just can’t seem to get it right. Filled with frustration, you decide to exercise one last idea before calling it a night. You’ve had many ideas before that failed miserably… but this time it works.
19. Fresh, Clean Bed Sheets – You yank at the corner of the bedspread to create just enough space to slide your body under the freshly cleaned sheets. The sheets feel cool to the touch. Everything seems so clean, like nobody has ever slept in this bed before.
20. A Beautiful View – As the car veers around the side of the mountain you gaze out the passenger window. It’s a clear, sunny day and you can see the entire valley below filled with wild flowers and bright green vegetation. The scenery reminds you of something you once saw in National Geographic. But here it is live, right before your eyes.
21. Reminiscing About Old Times with Your Closest Friends – Pink Floyd once said “the memories of a man in his old age are the deeds of a man in his prime”. There is no simple pleasure more satisfying than recounting the greatest moments of your life with your closest friends who lived these moments alongside you.
22. Receiving an Unexpected Compliment – It’s been an average day. Nothing really great has happened, but nothing terrible occurred either. This monotonous day has put you in a dreary mood. Unexpectedly, an older, attractive lady taps you on the shoulder, calls you “handsome” and says she loves your shirt. The day just got a whole lot better.
23. Having a Good Laugh – Laughter is the greatest cure of all. Life is extraordinary in the moments when you are laughing so hard you can barely breathe. These moments of deep laughter are divine in the sense that they cleanse your mood and set your mind on a positive track.
24. The Feeling After a Healthy Workout - It’s a giddy feeling of self accomplishment; the one true activity that actually makes you feel better and look better simultaneously. When you walk out the front door of the gym you are on top of the world.
25. The Celebration in the Instant Something Makes Sense – Even now that it has explained to you for the third time, you just don’t understand how it works. Everyone else seems to understand but you. Then out of the blue the dots connect in your mind. You finally get it, and it feels great!
26. Relaxing Outdoors on a Sunny Day – As you relax sprawled out in a lawn chair, the sun warms your skin and a light breeze keeps the temperature comfortable. Birds are chirping merrily in the trees behind you. You are at complete peace with the environment.
27. Holding Hands with Someone You Love – Every time she grabs your hand you are overcome with an awareness of how much she means to you. Holding hands is sensual and physically intimate, yet subtle. There are few people you allow to hold your hand, so when it happens you can be sure that the moment is special.
28. Playing in the Water – Water marvels people of all ages. From jumping in puddles as a child, to doing cannon balls in the pool as an adolescent, to enjoying a cocktail in the Jacuzzi as an adult… water is enjoyable.
29. Making Someone Smile – You notice that your colleague has been under a great deal of stress with meeting a deadline, so you take it upon yourself to complete one of her indirect responsibilities for her. As soon as she realizes what you did, she comes into your office with a big smile on her face. “Thank you”, she says. You just hit two birds with one stone, because making her smile just made your day.
30. Finishing What You Started – You just finished up a big project you’ve been working on for the last few months, or maybe you just finished your first marathon… Either way, you finalized what you set out to accomplish. The feeling of self accomplishment you get when you finish what you started is by far one of the most rewarding simple pleasures life has to offer.

credits to happythings.tumblr :)
now, go do these happy stuffs !
-khadi-

of new year, adventourous beginning and a warning to be nice to ppl

yes. the only reason as to why im here blogging is because im currently stuck in a hospital. been here the past two days, didnt tell many ppl anyway.
thought it'd be something that you dont tell ppl about.

been having an acute asthma attack in gombak, one of the series of unfortunate events due to lack of 'mommy factor'- well-prepared food, constant reminder and hawking over my lifestyles and also good dietary advices - i am what bib said born in'semi-bubble'.
never beign able to survive the cruel, tough, germ-infested world.
to quote arina, "you can survive MAX two mins in a jungle" and im even doubting that i can last that long.

of course this time around it sent panics to most people, particularly yours truly. because it is like a repeated performance of my nine-year-old-same-incident-got-admitted-to-the-hospital sort of it.

but im all good now. should be discharging by tomorrow morning. is been dreadfully boring here, with occasional small talks with nurses and my family being tied up at home with their stuffs.thankgod for once, i did not listen to arina to NOT bring the laptop. i would have CRIED out of boredom just as i was crying miserably walking around campus because i was feeling like a total shithead who cannot breathe on earth. irony, i know.

apart from this very boring experience, i like the MEDICINE thought. theyve got like super high tech drugs medicinie that i was not given access to. (mwahahahahahha!) and obviously the attentions. god good. never change. I ALWAYS love the attention. well, not really when at least 20 people go in and out of my room passing meds and whatnot.

but somehow, regardless of all that, i still think this is a good experience somehow. like a break. although most people wont put a break in this context. all day in bed, being attended to, having feeling the difficulties of being sick. i think it kinda bring back those valued that i forgotten just recently.

i stopped being nice to ppl since i get to gombak. well, i USED to be a generally very nice person (as most would describe) but i stopped bothering since i came to gombak. i stopped doing many things, and believing in many things. in simple term, the world turns very skeptical. and i dont do nice in skeptical world.

but being here, it makes me feel real good to be nice again. to strangers. if only strangers out there are as nice and as honest ans the strangers here. constant smiles, and you know they're honest enough. ti give a hand (and because theyre paid to do so) but nonetheless you know that theryre honest. i always have feeling about this kind of stuffs.

being here makes me appreciate myself and my health so much more on a higher level (although now im feeling super guilty for 3 meals of rice and MINIMUM movement apart from going to the loo and picking up my meal trays).
more importantly, this, shows me who the real friends are. the real people that truly loves me. in whatever trantrum, lackadaisical, or anooying ignorant selfish way ive behaved. (or behaves, OCCASIONALLY).

maybe its a god's signal from far above, to tell me, its a new year, new beginning, and to forgive and open up my heart again.

but, lets just hope we wont get our hearts crushed after this :)

-getting better now-

this is for those who gave up.

HANDBOOK 2010

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray and read your Bible daily.
6. Play more games .
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don’t over do it. Keep your limits.
14. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree…

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Last but not the least:
40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about, I just did.

well i wanted to

well i wanted to blog, but then by the time i got to the page, i was too lazy already.
oh well. tgk la if i would blog tomorrow.
*grins*

its 5am

sucky part is ive been trying to sleep since 2am.
yes because i wanted to wake up early tomorrow, do some reading and go to UM, moral support for debate tourney.
sebenarnya, saje je nak menyemak. nak tgk bib.
tapi klu dia taknak tgk saya, saya tgk kawan2 saya yg laen.
hmmph.

this is depressing.
nothing bugs me more than not being able to sleep.
becos i believe the best remedy to world's problems would be sleep.
its like sleep solves everything.

love problem, sleep. you'll feel better when you wake up.
stressed, sleep. you'll wake up not stressed.
worn out, sleep. wake up refreshed.
pissed off or angry, sleep. you'll wake up calm.
hungy, sleep it off. you'll wake up totally forgetting the hunger.

if the solution fails, continue doing so till the solution works.
works like wonders.
tested and proven to work.
heh heh heh.

only problem now,
i was pissed 4 hrs ago, but i was so pissed i cant even sleep now.
so i had to do what a woman has to do when none of her loved ones are awake to entertain her.
To walk down the memory lane.

bitter sweet memory lane.
brought some heart aches, heart flutters, and lotsa smile.
also a strong sense of longing.
longing for a particular company.

holiday's soon to be over.
and i'm missing home already.

xoxo,
kdee.

really wanted a new start

i decided to go back down to basic template.
partially because my cousin whos the frequent visitor of this blog referred to me on the laggy-ness of the uploading of this blog.
and partially because i thought i needed a new beginning.

whats been up with me?
im at my last week of semester break.
yes. im finally done with my first semester of my first year as undergraduate (STREOTYPICAL!).
im glad its over and done with, and i can sweep it right under the carpet, until further 'discovery' shall be made by yours truly or by other people, MUCH MUCH later in the future.

altho i have to say i am majorly freaking out on my result which is on the way in a few days time. HORRIFYING, just to even think about it.
no repeats, the least i could hope for.

ive been fairly excited about starting a new semester.
because my absolute best friend is FINALLY coming in to gombak. semester 1 was definitely TASTELESS without her.
to quote her, "now you have THREE friends, rather than the usual two".
that sucker. ohgod, but love her nonetheless.

ive been absolutely psyched having her around. now i could have my constant companion back on track.
me and bib been missing her a lot, and so is awenah. babe, you have no idea how much we miss you.

next semester would mean a lot of mischievous plans up the sleeves (against bib and with bib) but also it would mean a challenge for the both of us. godknows what await for us.

things have definitely changed since i came to gombak.
i am definitely a new person since i came to gombak, and consequences are not longer the same, neither is the situation.
but being the VERY FLEXIBLE and 'go-with-the-flow' sorta of person we are, i guess what we do is cherish the moment and fingers crossed things would work out.

ive been doing pretty serious readings too these past few days.
BBC, The Economist and The Future of Freedom by Fareed Zakaria.
Nothing interesting. so meekly bleak. or subtlely BORRINNGG!!!
but ive been making mental note to improve on my debate ever since i failed to get selected for royals.

altho i am enjoying my time laughing my ass off at those suckers in campus having 12 hours training for tourneys, i still cant help the feeling that i am missing out on such a big chunk of knowledge. probably not fun, but the attention that you get for being selected, i want that!
yes. i WILL whine about the taxing hours, and the agony of going through mountains of arguments, debating till you go mindless (or brain dead as awenah woud say) but i still want that. i have a deeply rooted passion for debate. something i have passion for, beyond the obligation of debating as a prerequisite of my relationship commitment.

ive also been working out too. its only been two days, of course theres no weight loss just yet, but im being very patient about it. ive let myself go the whole semester, now im paying the price of letting go. its pretty amazing come to think of it, on how 5 kgs that you took 6 months to shed off came back in two months. oh life is very unfair indeed.

ive also done refining activities onto my life, basically improvements on making my life better. like paying more attention to myself, making mental notes and future plans for the upcoming 4 months or so.

i somehow find this urge to really just start fresh, be better than me 6 months ago.

i also have been thinking a lot about things, serious things.
Things that i have swept under the rug and pray the dust bunny wont grow.
Those kind of stuffs. Re-evaluating.
Which is pretty scary.
Because they keep me awake at night.
Like right now, when the clock is showing 2.22 am.

Daryl's leaving pretty soon too.
In less than a month.
Although i have to say, come to think of it,
it almost felt like a roller coaster. its been a year plus behind us,
but we've been through many points of life, individually, sadly not together.
and it'd be more life checkpoints in the future, only this time, thousands of miles away.
i am definitely going to have trouble finding him whenever the missing you mode strikes.

ive approved Pow from facebook.
pow is one of the very first friends i have when i started my foundation.
i hated her guts, as much as i hated arina's.
but you know how hate-turns-love, yeah, that happened, with both of them.
she had to go after such a short period of time being our friends, and we've been out of touch since then.
i know we would rock the world, the three of us.
but if she didnt go away, i wouldnt be where i am now.
being happily in love and satisfied at where i am.

many things that has happened the whole of this year that really took a big hit on arina and i.
theres so much misfortunes happening, it hurt and it ALMOST killed us.
but we came out much stronger, much wiser, much much more thankful for life.
one thing lead to another, so many external forces, names being cut off the list, friends of whom we no longer talk to, trust being lost along the way and hearts being broken in the process.

but one thing is true, there is indeed silver lining in everything.
and we are the living proof of that statement.

ive got wednesday planned to check out the book fair in amcorp mall
and tuesday's tea with iona. just the two of us.
it would do us good, i havent been bonding with her much these days.

now i have to go back to my Economist *dies*

p.s : and i stalked someone's blog!

xoxo,
kdee.

this is it

THIS IS IT.
the finals are starting tomorrow.
and i am doing EVERYTHING but studying.
guess i need tonnes and tonnes of g'luck.

should be freaking out. but am not quite yet.
should i be worried?

one thing i hate

one thing i hate when i walk is,
to have a freaking herd of women BREEZE WALKING in front on me.

yes. ive phrased it correctly.
so far, ive managed to duck the existance of this particular species of human in my campus, for numerous times.
only several unlucky times got me stuck moving at glacial pace because these bloody freaking no-sense-of-time-appreciation women do not have the freaking manner to freaking not block the freaking pathway (which is not big to begin with; and especially when its going up the hill, where if you are anywhere but on the pathway, you'll die of tragic death due to falling from the hill or have your head hit on the number of rocks surrounding you) and give way for OTHER PEOPLE who are IN A HURRY TO GO BACK TO HER ROOM BECAUSE ITS HOT LIKE F**K and in a hurry.
ugh.


im filled with anger. most definitely.
i actually took 15 mins walk TAILGATING them;when the usual distance would take me 5-8mins. and i eavesdrop. TOO BAD LA SUCKERS! siapa suruh macam bangang lambat?

and they gave ME the dirty look for eavesdropping.
well, too bad. if you would have a tad bit of manner to begin with, after probably the 5th minute of me TAILGATING you, you would have CLEARED some SPACE for me to pass.
i dont need that bloody much space to pass okay?

EVERY SINGLE TIME I wanna overtake them, EVERY SINGLE TIME,
they either ignored the existance of me,
or they gave a space for like 5secs before blocking the WHOLE FREAKING PATHWAY TO THEMSELVES.
wth la.
and guess how many people was it?
THREE!! THREE!!! ARRRGGHHHH!!!!

either UIA needs to create a bigger pathway,
or these girls are fat.
yes, im saying it.
THESE. GIRLS. ARE. FAT.

god im pissed.

im finally done with selections.
i sucked. real bad.
but im just glad its over and done with.

off to next year's selections then! :)

in the essence of debating

ive made a point to update this blog as frequent as possible,
judging from the fact that im pretty much free and bored at this hour.

its been a very long weekend last weekend.
ive been to a debate tournament that got delayed 4 hours, and then another 1 and a half hour after the motion being released, stretching to us having 3 rounds of debate until 10.30pm.

yes. i was tired. i was cranky. and i was jumpy. and i was ruthless.
so thirst for that feeling of going into quarter finals, my mind was set to one thing, "ill do anything, ANYTHING to have that feeling".

of course things didnt go well when we believed it should have, thanks to amateur judges and also bad justifications.
those who SHOULD HAVE+COULD have gone into quarter finals, didnt get too.
i guess its true at the end of the day, "either you get into quarter finals, or you don't".

if you're good, you're good. if you're not, then too bad.
ahhh..very vicious world.

i had a terrible breakdown too yesterday, being so upset on how the decision of the last round turned out to be. because it was either me going in or not.
its so close you could smell it, and then someone come passes by and fart into your face. thus the smell is gone.
oh well, next tournament then.

on a fairly out-of-the-debate-talk note,
i've got two mid sem exams this week. a quiz tomorrow and debate selections this weekend.
i've been killing myself missing home and friends and leisure because of THIS selection, so im really rooting on doing very well.
i've been loading my brain with FACTS, MATTER AND MORE FACTS.
which is obviously not enough.

you know when it is enough when you start having dreams about the facts you read, and your mind subconsciously analyze the arguments while you're walking on a fine, relaxing afternoon going back to class, simply because you have nothing else to think.
bad. i know :)

what else? hmmm i just got my period yesterday.
which comes along with the crappiest, most painful period pain, EVER.
it was so painful i wanted to slap bib on the face for asking "sayang, are you alright?"
i mean like, REALLY, do i look alright?
it got slightly better after a menstrual panadol, 6 hours of sleep and 4 hours on the phone with arina.
and more sleep today.
in fact i just woke up from my sleep.
haih. i love sleeping.

my uncle passed away yesterday. something about the blood vessel in his brain exploded or such, twas on life support and they took off the plug.
im missing out on his funeral because mom and dad are going today. i cant come because i got classes.
and i didnt wanna trouble them.

this weekend, we're having some sort of kenduri for my granddad's 40 days' since he passed away, which i am going to miss too, because of selections.

im making a lot of sacrifices for debate, i believe i should get somewhere in debate.
a lot of sacrifices, and not really getting anywhere sucks.

and yinxian, i miss you too. very much.
god i miss just purely hanging out with my friends.
i saw iona last weekend for exactly half an hour, and even then i didnt get to talk much because we went to haziqah's open house.

oh well. some things have to be forgone to obtain other things.
opportunity cost. so principle of microeconomics.

and its been almost 3 to 4 months since i started the semester,
3 months since i signed an agreement for my scholarship,
2 months since the closing date to submit my scholarship.
one question : where is my scholarship money?

ive not seen, heard or smell my scholarship money in this short period of time,
kinda make me wonder if they're just scamming us into signing an agreement, so they can have fresh undergraduates like us working for them in the peak 6-7 years of my working life.
Does anyone know when JPA will be giving me my scholarship money?

oh well oh well.

enuff ranting for today. g'day everyone!

The Inevitable Lazy Blogger is Back

What have i done so far?

I have been successfully missing from the blogging world, ULTIMATELY, only to come and update every one (or two) months.
I have also secretly blog-hops and a pretty frequent visitor of my best friends' blog.

I got myself a new skin. something livelier. I thought the last one was ugly, and the box doesnt fit. i mean like seriously, whatthehell la.aiyoh.

I havent been updating because, i havent been inspired, too busy or too lazy.
and half the time im inspired, im either a) fighting with bib, b)walking alone back or to classes, c)when i have sleepless night. (not often, but there have been days like that)

ive been absolutely kicked out of the social world because i am incompetent of being in there anymore.
i cant even carry a decent conversation, and ive long given up on making friends here. like LITERALLY. im nice, i smile. but never making it a point to make friends.
which results in me having exactly TWO people to hang out with in Gombak. Bib or Awenah.
or i'll be in my room, sleeping. like today.
where ive successfully slept since 2 pm till 6.45pm because i was out from 8.50am on tuesday till 12.45 am the next day because of classes and debate.

yes. told you i've got no time to make friends.

what happened this week?
the last weekend was a total disaster because my world was muted down, for yours truly lost her voice. she was only competent of mere whispering, and only texting. no phone calls CAN be taken during the weekend.
ugh.

the condition lasts up till today,although i am much better now, i cant help but to feel choked EVERY SINGLE time i sleep.i'll choke, and then start coughing for the next 15 mins. odd. tell me about it.
my medicine is out, so ive got to restock.

ive also did an EXTENSIVE research on Lisbon Treaty, to a point that i was subconsciously analysing Lisbon Treaty in my dream.
not to mention the series of nightmares ive been having the past few days.

i missed a visit to see my best friend before she's back from Penang, because i was stuck in Finance trying to settle the problem of University's incompetency in clearing my unsettled tuition fees thus resulting me to not being able to register for next semester when I FRIGGIN PAID THE FRIGGIN FEES BEFORE THE CLOSING DATE, WITH CHEQUE. ugh. bangang.
and the result to University's incompetency, i missed my one and only chance to see arina for the first time since the past one month plus and the next two months plus. and also having 3 out of 6 classes that i want to register for closed, because EVERYONE ELSE FREAKIN REGISTERED FOR IT ALREADY AND NOW ITS FULL.

ive got acc quiz today, which sucked because i know shit about LIFO and FIFO. well i did, but i forgot. so yeah.

and ive got stats exam tomorrow, and currently in DESPERATE need for enlightment because i know shits about stats too.
and then after a row of classes that last till 5pm, ive got debate training after that. which i havent done the assignment and research for.gasp.

and on friday, ive got replacement class after friday prayers, and some group discussion or some sort and last minute cramming for saturday's tournament.

god. i need a break. i need to go home. i need home. i need my best friends.
aiyaiyaiyai.

whoops!

i think i accidentally pissed arina off.
and she's too angry to talk to me.

i think im having gastric because of the frequent stomach ache.

i think im becoming very selfish these days.

i think im not nice anymore.

i think a good baskin robbins ice cream would do me good.

i think that i need more sleep.

i think that my friends in klang are going to be so pissed when they know im not coming back anytime soon.

i think a good hefty sum of money would do me good, at this time, OR ANY TIME *grins*

i think im just plain lazy.

and btw, someone died in UIA. drown in swimming pool. hope he did rest in peace. Al-Fatihah.

p.s : i got talentime in my laptop! *jumps around*

my week

so apparently i think my laptop has crashed. like dead crashed crashed.
i shall be blaming my brother's hard drive for his stupid virus-infested hard drive.
babi btol. everything went crashing down, and BOOM. now everything stopped working.
so im dumping this laptop at home, or rather leave it to nurse, to my dad's friend who does this funky computer stuffs.
so that means that off the laptop for the next one or two weeks or so.
i'll try to conquer someone else's laptop i.e habib's or something.
but again, IM ALWAYS REACHABLE via handphones.

so how was this week?
it wasnt absolutely stunning. pretty sucky i have to say lah.
to start with, i have exactly 3 pimples on my right cheek, which i successfully popped because they're there, right on my face, and i cant stand staring at them.
but since i popped them, to quote Arinah, now "they're staring into EVERYONE's face" because its so OBVIOUS, its like depressing.

ive been tired, moody and bitchy almost half of the week.
because the week sucks.
to start with, the movie 'Obsessed' was really good, but fucked up your mind like really bad. like really really bad. especially if you watch it with your boyfriend.
and to think how fucked up it is, its like this guy is married to Beyonce, and he ALMOST cheated on Beyonce. I mean, HELLO! its BEYONCE. whoever cheats on Beyonce?

and then my second day, was just fucking fucked up. i mean waking up early in the morning+sucky sleep at nite+the worst 'visit of the month'+walking around campus with 5 bloody thick-ass textbooks+finding out that you got a scholarship that bonds you to the govt for SIX YEARS. yes. that basically sums up my second day.

then i also, not to forget, dented mr.boyfriend's car. only a bit, but he's NEVER letting go of this, because it happened right in front of his eyes.

see? i told you. i just tend to get into trouble, a whole lot of it.

3rd day, quality sleep. 8pm till 4am. awesome gile.
4th day, more quality sleep. 8pm till 7 am. mwahahhahahahaa! i woke up a very contented soul. :)

god, i love sleeping.

friday, boring, altho we ate at this really nice place, "Charms" at OU, which is not bad. twas fun lah. not that expensive either.
but eating at "Charms" and watching 'Jeepers Creepers' is not exactly the finest dining experience one can get.
I cannot stand 'Jeepers Creepers' lah. Very scary. my heart was still beating as if its gonna come off anytime, HALF AN HOUR LATER.

and i have touch'n'go. *dances around productively*

and today, i went to see Iona because she's sick. which she doesnt look like,when i came to see her.
we ended up doing random stuffs i.e going through her closets, talking about gays and transvestites and watching gay clips on youtube. Oh, and coming up with theories on being gays. Habib joined us for like 15 mins, through the phone, bitching about gays too. He's not bad of a bitching partner la sometimes.

and then i went to see malik, whom ive not seen for close to two months already, only for a whilw because i went to buy baju raya!

im so excited about this year's raya, and i have no idea why.
and my baju raya is SO PRETTY!!!! *beaming with happiness*

i might be doing extensive hari raya shopping tomorrow,
and ive got two quizzes next week *dies*

and and and, im not coming back next weekend *depressed mode* because i have debate tournament in campus. which pretty much sucks la, since i was forced to debate by you-know-who, with threats and all.

but but but, you are indeed welcomed to check out our WOMEN DEBATE TOURNAMENT. yes, all women, SPEAKING. and ARGUING. haih. its gonna be loud, fun and, ALL GIRLY MOMENTS. yes. im debating with arinah.

oh well *twirls around*

Signing Out,
kdeeeeeeee!!!

this is me, third week in gombak

im sorry for disappearing the past two weeks.to be honest, ive been VERY distracted, busy, sleepy and tired, to update my blog.
ive survived a full two weeks without going home, ALMOST breaking down and wanting to come home because i miss home. which sucks la, because im like 19 now, and still wanting to go home.

ive been fairly good, although i think im slightly chubbier + tanner than before due to the walking under the sun + eating to make up for walking under the sun.

taaruf week (basically an orientation week, in arabic lah, since we're ISLAMIC university aite) was awesome. because its only 3 days, rather than the usual 5 days. which is totally laughable and enjoyable because other batchs have to suck up to 5 days of slow painful death. and thats me being nice.

apparently the taaruf week is cut short because 40% of the students in my intake are foreigners (yes, ladies, we are talking about HOT potential FOREIGN boyfriends, and also not to forget EXTREMELY hot foreign girls. times like this make you wish you were a lesbian, so you wouldnt feel ever so threathen by their presence. i mean seriously, do you guys know the pressure of looking pretty to class with all these beautiful people? PRESSURE WEI!) and i SORTA slept through half of the programmes in the taaruf week *innocent eyes* WHAT? it was boring.

it is really like a slow painful death. waking up every morning at 6am and only coming back to the room at 7pm at night, plus getting lost and lining up for food, and dealing with stupid girls travelling in HERDS (like cows. bloody girls i tell you. TEN PEOPLE IN A BLOODY GROUP! how the fuck do you travel?) and blocking ways that you are SO CLOSE to push them all down the hill, so they could all roll in numbers (WOOOHOOO!!) and die.

and to add to the whole thing, we have nonsensical briefings, about air force, police force, TUPPERWARE (yes, i am not joking) and leadership skills. god. i dont need briefings on any of that. SERIOUSLY.

im glad the taaruf week was over.
then me+habib met his sister. like an official-lets-meet-up-the-family sorta thing. so far so good, so im sorta binded to him+family now. LOL. will tell later.

First week of classes, TIRING. i come back every evening cursing ALL THE WAY BACK to my room because, my faculty is GAZILLION MILES AWAY, and i got lost a few times in my own faculty + my block is at the back of the hostel + i stay on the FIFTH FLOOR.

everything is generally very far from everything. its like you either get lost, or too tired, you just want to sit somewhere and not move anywhere. just sit there. i have yet to try that, but i might just in the coming few weeks.

my classes start as early as 8.30am but since i tend to suck at directions, and the faculty is FUCKING FAR, i leave as early as 8 am. which causes me to wake up at 7.30 am to get ready, and i only sleep at midnite. so imagine how cranky i get waking up EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY like that. god i miss sleeping in.

lecturers are fun, i think. ive yet to go through the classes (or fully pay attention in class) so i shall not comment on that, just YET. hehehehhee!

but on a much brighter side, im free on FRIDAY *dances around* so i sleep in on that day and then go home to sleep some more, although im trying to break the habit and spend my friday morning productively by sitting in the super-huge-and-awesome-library-the-kind-that-you-can-get-lost-in and study productively before i go home to hibernate PRODUCTIVELY.

henceforth, if ANYONE *hint hint* wants to hang out with me on friday, OR saturday, OR sunday, feel free to text, although i usually keep sunday for family (and sleeping in)

last weekend i was home, but i decided to not go out anywhere, which is absolute failure since i was out on saturday night till sunday afternoon.

kak diba (habib's sister) just finished chambering (to IONA : basically like a practical for lawyer la. you have to do a few years of lawyer stuffs before they call you to high court and wear a robe over you and tell you "Now you're officially one of us, you're now a certified lawyer" sort of thing la. something like that, since i also miss the ceremony. haha!) so her best friend organised a BBQ party for kak diba in bangi. but then since i missed the morning ceremony thingy, she insisted on me coming for the BBQ party (told ya i feel like family now) and i SORTA bonded with everyone - kak diba's best friends, extended family, debate family, habib's friends, etc (or forced into since i had to sleep over since no one is sending me back that night). i survived the night, although everyone was absolutely CHARMING and FUNNY. I like these people, its just that theyre very new to me, and you all know how much i hate making new friends and talking to strangers.

but everything twas good and all. i had fun, and good food, and awesome company.
(and they all said I looked PRETTY and IM NICE and they all LOVE ME! yay! *narcissistic moment*)

and now im in gombak, again, after a detour to my uncle's house to see my nephew. im getting another one (gender, UNKNOWN, yet) in two weeks time.

and ive got class tomorrow at 8.30am again.
ugh.

i ought to head to bed then. and please, darlings, keep me updated.we need to hang out lahhhh.
p.s : this time around, ill try to not bring habib okay? *grins*

Signing Out,
yes. i am very much happy. and missing you alot.

This is it

This is it. My last day at home.its 4.35pm now, and ive not start packing ANYTHING YET.
yeap. I DONT WANT TO GO TO GOMBAK!!!

Im just dreading the whole moving out of the house idea. I got so comfortable at home the past one month and a half, and now i have to move out of the house, AGAIN.

i'll be off early tomorrow morning, with dad, probably mom too, but we're not sure whats the plan for now. and i wont be bringing my laptop, just to make sure that i dont end up in the same room with random psychopath trying to steal my possessions, and when everything is fine, AND SAFE, i shall bring the laptop.

there will be a long week of orientation this week, lasting till saturday (UGH!) and if im not too lazy or too tired to function, i might crawl my back back home.

about the same time last year, i had the same emotion about my foundation. i hated it, for the first half of the semester, wanting to get over and done with the whole bloody thing and coming back home every weekend.

however i have successfully adapted to the quirkiness of UIA and i have found astonishing friends with a hell lot of dramas (and fame). I wouldn't say i'd do it all over again, but im glad i did it anyway.

now i left nilai with a fairly well established reputation, a really awesome best friend, good love life, and CGPA good enough to secure me a scholarship.

i have this deep feeling that gombak isnt going to be the same as nilai, not since my bestfriend is not coming this semester, resorting me to finding new friends, which i diligently ignore and sticking to my plan of staying with the old friends, and a lone wolf (HAHA!) should i have trouble finding friends. and coming back home often. or just hang out with Prince. whichever lah.

im not looking forward, neither am i looking this with an optimistic eyes,
but hey, lets just take a deep breath, swallow that saliva and brace it through.
I'll survive. or so i hope.
at least, new start, new life.

so, gombak. here i come.

p.s : im reachable via texts or phone calls to my mobile phones.

babes, wish me luck!

Signing Off,
God, my hair is falling, like A LOT.

The Author on 'Mom'

its gonna be soon before my holiday ends. i've already got a few stuffs pending on my to-do-list, especially this weekend since it is the LAST weekend home. or the last official do-nothing-but-to-sleep-at-home weekend i'll be getting for, what my heart says, a LONG time.

and truthfully speaking, i'm missing home already.
i'm missing everyone already.
and i'm missing Mom+Dad+siblings already.

I never really did come across the idea of me being a 'home person',
Because half the time I'm out,
Or wanting to go out of the house.
But these days, even when i'm out, I cant wait to get home.
I guess its the feeling that home offers that makes me yearn to come back to it.

I could count the number of days i'm out with my friends this holiday.
Partially because i'm not that much on a stable financial status,
But i dont mind. I just like lazing around at home.

I like to observe what Mom daily does. She'll wake up as early as 5.40 am, before anyone in the house, or probably stumbles upon Sarah - decided to have her insomniac night or simply falling asleep in front of the tv - and getting everyone ready, all out of the house by 8am. She'll sweep the floor, hang the clothes, and clean the house, all spick and span by 9.30am. She'll probably be eating breakfast, baking or preparing lunch for her children until 10am, then driving out to pick up the smallest one in the family - the warmest, friendliest one, mind you- from his religion school.

And then I could hear noises from downstairs, as everyone starts screaming, and talking, in a manner only a family does, with Mom making the smallest one eats his lunch, the other brother and his quiet yet full of attitude manner and my youngest sister, with one of her antics.
And again at 12.30pm, she's out sending everyone to school. If my sister's in mood to come back early, i could see Mom driving out to pick her as early as 2.30pm, but most of the time its later in the evening.

She'll meet me downstairs at around 2pm, as i hover around the kitchen for food - we never run out of it in the house - and tell me whatever edible at home. Which is a lot of stuffs. She'll have her afternoon nap, right after ironing her family's clothes - working clothes of dad, school uniforms of my siblings - and after picking those dried clothes. She'll be up at around 4.30 pm and off she's cooking for dinner. I always come down at around that hour, because I'm partially bored since 2.30 pm, and usually i'd be thirsty by then. But my small heart tells me that I'm down because I like to see her preparing dinner. I always, always offer to help, but she'll politely decline before resuming to her territory - her kitchen.

She's always that excellent cook + baker. My dad adores her, and her cookings. She, on the other hand, is always impressing. And god, everytime she nails it on the spot.

Dad would come back by 7pm, together with everyone else, and then it's time for dinner. She's always eating dinner with Dad, waiting for him to return from prayers, so that he wont eat alone. I dont usually eat with them, because i think in a way, its their time. because then, you could hear small chatters about dad's day at work, and mom, about, uh, her children. its always about her children.

i've always wanted to sit down and properly talk to mom. we've never really did hit it off well, not since the recent years. i guess, i grew up, and she became more understanding.

i could remember so vividly, every single time i'm home after a whole week being in campus, i'd come and sit down in the kitchen, simply because i wanted to talk to mom about it.
i would then chatter away, for the next half an hour - or more, usually more - and just chatting about campus. i like those times. because i share whatever - almost whatever - on my mind.

i'd like to one day, sit down and properly talk to her, like a friend to another friend, the differences are that this friend is wiser, smarter, more experienced, and most importantly, she's my mom. My one and only mom.

I love you, Mom.

Signing Off,
Kakak

Taggie

Iona was right. im definitely bored. and too broke to go out anywhere. seriously.

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player must answer the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the game the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment, letting them know they got tagged and ask them to play and read your blog.

Starting time: 4.23pm

Name: Khadijah
Sisters: too annoying, but i love them
Brothers: cute and adorable, but cannot spend too much time around them
Shoe Size: 7 or 8
Height: 170cm. i like to believe im that tall.
Where do you live: Klang
Favorite drinks: ICE CREAM!
Favorite breakfast: ice cream. altho i constantly remind myself not to start EVERYDAY with ice cream

Have you ever been on a plane? : yep yep.
Fallen asleep in school? : one of those times when i say "SCREW YOU REPUTATION! IM SLEEPY!"
Broken someone's heart : did, but not proud of it
Fell of your chair: i shall not disclose such information.
Sat by the phone and waiting for someone to call: yeah. definitely. although i usually choose tom lie in bed waiting for the phone call
What is your room like: dark, comfortable, very condusive for sleeping at any point of the day.
What's right beside you? : another desktop computer
What is the last thing you ate: fried CHICCCKKEEENNNN!!!!

Ever had
Chicken Pox: yes. altho mine was a mild one. hehehehe~
Sore throat: when i stop talking a lot.
Stitches: none so far.
Broken nose: you touch my nose, i'll break yours. *evil grin*

Do you
Believe in love at first sight: never witness it, but i believe it
Like picnics: yes. when its not too hot.
Who was, were the last person; you danced with : NO ONE WANTS TO DANCE WITH ME!
Last made you smile : myself. *grins*
You last yelled at : The car in front that drove like a bloody moron

Today did you
Talk to someone you like : yesyes. i talk to alot of people i like, EVERYDAY.
Kissed anyone : no. no one to kiss *goes on a kissing rampage*
Get sick : nope
Talk to an ex : not today.
Miss someone : miss alot of people actually.
Eat : who doesnt?
Best feeling in the world : nope
Do you sleep with stuffed animal: nope. my mind got too influenced by Chucky, i stopped sleeping with any doll by 6 yrs old.
What's under your bed: enough space in case if you want to hide under my bed
Who do you really hate: a few people. particularly that bastard ex of arina. top of my hate list.

What time is it now: 4.32PM
5 things i were doing 10 years ago
1. got into a new school
2. thought that my family friend is a very odd person
3. became teacher's pet
4. hated math (oh wait. i still do)
5. never bothered fitting in.

5 things on my to-do list today.
1. sleep
2. read (or at least try) The Economist
3. read my book
4. decide what to wear tomorrow.
5. bath

5 snacks I enjoy
1. ice cream
2. ice cream
3. ice cream
4. chocolate
5. toffee + cookies

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire
1. create an emergency fund. i always overspend.
2. SHOPPING!
3. buy presents for people.
4. make up for the outings i bailed out on because im broke
5. makes myself PRETTY! *drools*

5 of my bad habits
1. i annoy people
2. cannot shut up
3. cannot stop scratching my head and my nose
4. very expressive hand gestures
5. sleeping. A LOT.

5 places I have lived in
1. home in ulu klang
2.home in cheras
3.home in taman palm grove
4. home in taman alam shah
5. nilai. UGH.

5 people I'm tagging are
1) Sarah
2) Suzanne
3) Zaty
4)Aisha
5) B'nie