I am still stuck in PJ Campus.
No kidding, been here for a full one week already.
I just got hold of the Internet. A lot has happened since the last post was up.
Life been expectedly crazy and busy.
But mostly could have predicted it to be such, knowing me.
How has my life been?
It's been fairly good.
I am not going to get all depressed and emotional about it,
Because frankly speaking,
It's not worth spending my emotion on.
Economics paper was fairly good.
I am not rooting for a grade A, since I basically blanked myself out at one point of the paper.
So more or less, i'm just crossing my fingers the result would turn out fine.
Road of life basically has been pretty much a roller coaster ride.
I had a really bad crying session, it's by far the worst.
Sometimes when you think that you've given enough,
And you've been pointed finger to and said that you've done nothing,
It sort of took the soul out of you.
It kicked into your system, kicked you down,
And you questioned what else is there to be done?
Intention was good. but the message never got across.
And just recently I lost my laptop.
Yeap. My laptop + my bag of clothes.
It was when I decided to sleep over at Haziqah's hostel,
We decided to go and have dinner.
I sorta forgot to bring my laptop with me, and left it at the back of the car.
The next thing we knew, her back window was broken and my laptop + bag of clothes are gone.
The funny thing is,
I kinda sorta accepted the whole incident.
But what that sort of pissed me off is the fact that,
With the laptop + bag of clothes gone,
Went with it my memories + items close to heart.
My external hard drive which has all the pictures from previous years and my old school pictures are gone.
My favourite jeans, top and tudung are also gone.
My favourite box of brooch is also gone, my headphone, my perfume.
And then there's the assignments, files, my soft copy of my event paper work, hard copy of them.
All these stuffs that may not be precious to people,
But these are stuffs close to my heart, stuffs that matter to me,
My hardwork, sleepless night and my very own memories.
We've done police report, the car is fixed and dad bought me a new laptop.
But it still wouldn't be enough to replace what's lost.
However, I am keeping a very positive atttude on it,
Probably it's in a way of God telling me to start fresh,
To let go and move on.
Because I believe that I do seriously have problem with letting go.
I'm happy now. No joke on that.
Whatever's broken is pretty much fixed.
But when I sit back and ponder,
Listen and think,
I still could never declare that,
it's fixed, that i'm no longer broken.
I could never say that it's over and i am letting go.
because it has became a part of me.
Just like the future one is already a part of me.
Last weekend was National Novice Debating Championship,
Held in UiTM Shah Alam.
We didn't get to go to quarter final,
to whom I could fairly put the blame on but shall not talk about her,
Because I am fasting today,
But the price i paid for being there, is missing Cherylyn's piano competition,
Where I could not only spend time with Iona, Sha and a few other friends.
Cher won the competition, and I could go onlyas far as texting her and congratulate her.
Am still wishing I was there, Cher. Congratulation babe!
I've got to go home on Sunday up till Tuesday because it's Maulidur Rasul.
Being back home is good.
Always have been good.
So close to loved ones,
So close to people that you know at the end of the day do not discriminate and accept you for you, and would not settle for nothing less or nothing more.
Being in an environment that says its okay if you dont do it the right way,
No one is going to judge you,
No one is going to reject you,
You are a part of us, a part of what we are all about.
It is you that we love.
Gosh, I do miss home.
On the 10th of March is Mr. Gerald's birthday,
I didn't wished him on that day, because I was occupied with debate training,
But texting him a day after sorta bring that missing feeling you've been putting aside.
I miss going to his class. Talking to him, or rather just listen to him.
The time spent growing up in his class has indeed left a deep impact in my life.
I kid you not,he taught more than just English, he taught me life + manner.
Something that I know would get me far in life.
Being detached from your life back home because you are too busy with life somewhere else,
Do bring that longing feeling of wanting to wind the clock back.
I've found great things in the new life,
But it is never good enough to take away my old life.
Sometimes I sit back and reflect, life back then was so much simpler and less complicated to now.
Less drama to handle, less complication to face, less complexity to process.
Not being able to be home on my birthday sort of pulled me down.
Dad didn't want me to drive back late after debate training,
Of course out of being worried of my safety.
And to add to it, I dont even get to be surrounded by my friends back in Klang.
No one is to be blamed,
But i've got one of the best birthday celebrations here in PJ itself.
They say I need a good cheer up.
And I did get a good cheer up.
Just not as good as being back home.
Good, nevertheless.
Those days when you question yourself, and your existance in this world.
You ask yourself what's in me that people see and love.
What is it that made people stay and not turn their back.
I never got the answer.
I never know why.
But I know that, it's not me that is special and a gift to another person,
But it is me that is grateful to be given them,
Because these people are people that are special.
Being with them, makes me special.
And I thank god for each and every one of them.
Just ended last Saturday and Sunday was UIA Gombak Open League,
Which was fairly good. Looking at the performance of our team since my teammate is not an experienced debater.
I had a whale of time, listening to debaters' crazy ideas and crazy proposals.
I learnt a lot of new stuffs, And I gained a lot of new knowledge.
But along the process of being technical and factual,
I can't help but to feel detached from my emotional side.
I think I have just lost my touch of being a human.
Emotional, susceptible to mistakes, less analytical, more accepting, and more caring and sensitive.
It's like debating takes the soul away.
That life is about Robert Mugabe, International Court of Justice and how to squirrel a debate.
I feel incompetent of empathizing, and being in touch with human emotions.
I can't decide based on simple human rules and nature, because I am too busy being analytical.
I have taken the world in a perspective of a debater,
Always wanting to trample on the other team, and proving that how I see the world is the right way, that I cannot afford to make mistakes because it causes me to be at the bottom of the ranking.
I have changed, for the worst, haven't I?
I'm leaving for Malacca next Saturday for another tournament.
MMU Open Tournament or something like that.
We'll be having daily training, but I doubt I'd be debating this weekend though.
But from what I last heard, I will be adjudicating there.
Hope to be home on Sunday night,
And then off for the short semester on Monday.
Life's been hectic, I've been negligent.
Probably it's just me denying life and the truth it holds.
No one knows, not even me.
I miss being home. Being less complicated. Being the old Khadijah.
Signing Out,
It is different now.
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