I have Not Been Telling The Truth

It's going to be 3 am in less than 6 minutes.
I'm just done chatting with nearly 6 people.

And I know it has not been fair to fellow blog-ders that I have not been updating as much as I did previously.

Life hasn't been pretty much of a bed of roses.
Not many know about this,
And simply because I don't want to look whiney in front of people.

But I guess, today,
Things are far too much for me to handle,
And for all I care, for me to keep.

For a starter,
I have been telling to myself the past few weeks that leaving for Nilai in less than a month is going to be brisk.
You know, a year, you sleep on it and the next thing you know, you're done.
Well, I lied to myself.
I am perfectly not well with the fact that I have to be sent all the way to Nilai to study economy in an Islamic University.

Two,
I have been looking at the whole idea of being in an Islamic University and studying economy as a not-so-bad idea.
I mean, it's surely a new environment and I can very well adapt to it, sooner or later.
But again, I'm lying to myself.
I don't like to be told how to behave myself, be a hypocrite and accept whatever that is laid in front of me.
I like talking to both girls and boys.
I enjoy wearing pants and high heels.
I hate graphs and economy sends shivers down my spine.

Three,
I'm sick of Dad and everyone else constantly asking me what do I want in life.
I don't bloody know what I want in life.
And every single fucking person is asking me what do I want to do.
Well, I want to marry some Dato' son and have a lot of kids.
That's what I want.

Four,
I am tired of our country's tertiery education.
Just because I got a B4 for my Biology,
I am absolutely banished from the list of possible medical doctors,
When that was what I perfectly aimed for for the past 17 years of my life.
But just because I screwed up with my sucky Bio teacher and sucky bio subject,
I am supposed to fucking erase that one and only ambition of mine from my future.

And then people ask me,
What do I want?
I want to fuck people around!
That's what I want.

Seriously, I have no idea what I want.
Not in my education, not even in my life.
I can't even plan ahead of next week.
And you're asking me what I want in life?

Honestly speaking,
I think it's not fair that people do not get to pursue what they want in life.
I thought tertiery education was supposed to lie down the path to your future for you.
Not totally destroy the base you have, and lay down a new base for you.

I was not meant to not be a doctor.
I was not meant to be sent off to Nilai.
I was not meant to be forced to pick two paths of which I don't favour at all.

But do I have a choice?
No I don't.

Five,
I looked like I have been living my life to the fullest.
GuesS what? I am tired of living,
And I am giving up on living.

I am tired of adapting to new things,
And when I am finally getting comfortable,
I have to change.

I am tired of looking after myself and pretending to be strong and all,
Because I don't want to have to be strong all the time.

I am tired of making the 'right' decisions.
Fuck! I don't even know what is right anymore.

I am tired of going against my will,
Fighting for every bits of life when life is being undeserving to me.

I am tired of looking things from the positive eye, thinking everything is alright.
Because things and life are not that way.

I am tired of making important decisions.
Because I don't like to pick between two equally important things in life.

I am tired of being me,
So tired I wish I could just disperse into thin air one day.
Just for one day.

But could I?

Six,
I am sick sick sick sick sick of uneducated people.
Having been working at where I am right now,
I am getting more sicker of the fact on how uneducated people over there are.

Do you want to call me morally-degrading people?
Please do so, because frankly speaking I don't care.

Every single fucking day I have to meet a lot of uneducated people.
I think their uneducated-ness has rubbed off on me.

I get to witness children at tender age trying to steal items from the shop.
Children as young as 5 years old.
Do not get me started on hygiene.
Simply disgusting!

One might not be educated in the sense of academic,
But hygiene is pretty much a basic.
I get to smell funny smell when certain people enters the shop.
Well, pardon me, But I can't help not smelling how you smell when you entered the shop.

I am sorry for being rude and everything.
Surely, one of the factor to lack of awareness in education is poverty.
But that's not the main thing that's stopping you from improving yourself to be a better person.

But no, just because you're leading a hard and poor life,
That does not mean you can steal items because you can't afford it,
You can not go to school because there's no point going to school because you're poor boohoohoo,
You can not be less bothered about your level of education because you know no matter how hard you work, you'll end up being a factory worker anyway.

I am ashamed of the state of the people surrounding me daily.
I'm sick of seeing the ladies potraying themselves as merely sluts parading around, waiting for guys to pick them up and upgrade them to babies factories.
I'm sick of people who are incapable of adapting to the surrounding they're in and expecting the surrounding to adapt to them.
I am sick of shallow, fickle-minded people who thinks their race is too good for everyone.
I am sick of people who is not very well-aware of where they stand to where they are trying to achieve.
I am sick of seeing little kids running around the shop area at 3pm when we all know better that they should be in school or at home, taking power nap or revising.
I am sick of mothers and fathers who let their kids roam around at such hours and frankly speaking, all they know is fuck each other and make more babies. Weee...
I am sick of how people (including me) have to live in fear daily because people around that area are not educated or making effort to educated themselves that all they know was to rob a shop to earn quick money.

Seven,
I've had enough of people assuming that I am strong enough to face anything and everything in this whole fucking world.

An sms came in today telling me I don't need that person because I am a strong lady.
Well, guess what?
I am not.

I tried to be strong and calm.
But when I tell I need someone's favour,
I really mean it.
I never ask for favours unless if I really need them.

I didn't tell my family members nor my boss,
That I have been receiving visits from this creepy guy disturbing me at work.
Sure, go ahead and say I am being paranoid and over-reacting.
But when someone calls you 'sayang' and visits you for 3 days CONSECUTIVELY,
Telling you about how much he misses you and dream of you,
Telling you that he loves you,
Trying to hint to you he wants to get married to you,
Keep talking and disturbing you,
After you told him the first time you're not interested,
And then call me paranoid.
Oh, let me throw in he gave me perverted look and hang around the shop for nearly an hour today (and he's uneducated and really ugly),
Because we don't have any man in the shop to tell him off.

I wanted to tell that guy off,
But obviously referring to the level of education received by the guys at that neighborhood,
And the fucker himself,
I doubt a simple no would transfer as a no in his head.
And I had been warned not to tell him off in fear that the pervert might act violent due to my acts.
So what could I do?
I was stuck behind the bloody counter,
Trying to calm myself down and stop myself from shivering too much because the fucker was too busy staring at me,
And the people I've asked favours from were too busy to help me.

Sure, sure.
It's not their fault that they're busy.
I mean, people have other lives than to just protect me right?
And all I could get was that I am a strong lady.

Well, guess what?
This strong lady is going to be stuck tomorrow for 4 hours alone in the shop,
Praying hard the pervert doesn't come anytime between that four hours,
Because this strong lady didn't want to trouble anyone and didn't want to make her parents worried.

Eight,
I am sick of being a grown-up.
I don't want to be included in Mom and Dad's 'grown-up' conversations.
I don't want to make 'important decisions' because 'it will affect your future'.
I don't want to think about my job because 'I will have family and kids in the future'
I don't want to move out of the house and having to be 'independent'.
I don't want to 'be held responsible for my acts'.
I don't want not to be able to make mistakes and be loved because of me.
I don't want to be forced to think more than what I could,
To act beyond what I can,
To behave nothing like what I think I am.
I don't want to not be able to lose myself and my identity,
I don't want to be that impressive, confident young lady with mature thinking.
I don't want to.

I want to sit at home and be taken care of.
I want time to reverse.

But could I?

Nine,
I had enough of acting like I know.
I don't fucking know.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't know what I want to be.
I don't know how I feel.
I don't know what to think.
I don't know who to believe.
I don't know anything.

Ten,
I also had enough of being unsure.
I hate being unsure about how I feel.
I hate being unsure of where I am heading.
I hate of being unsure about what I am doing.
I hate of being unsure about life, love and myself.

Eleven,
This especially goes to that 'someone' inside the chatbox.
Thank you very much for your AWESOME thought in that lovely chatbox of mine.

Speaking of religion and of my boyfriend and I as if you know me and my boyfriend long enough.
I am utterly, deeply 'moved' by your words,
Brushing off those really awful grammar.

Even my sister had to read that twice to get the point.

I guess it's so hard being you right?

I totally get how it is a struggle to attack people like me,
And to justify the right of Islam itself.

It never really crossed my mind on how 'wrong' I was to have a boyfriend.
I mean, having a boyfriend that I barely even get to see once a week,
A boyfriend whom I've never gone to proper date to,
A boyfriend who's Chinese, but took the effort to go to the mosque during his NS training session,
A boyfriend whom I wish to hug and hold hands with,
A boyfriend to cuddle with and go date with,
But never got the chance to,
(Since I thought of how wrong it was to do so in Islam and how my parents' upbringing would go down the drain if I do so.)
And all of that and I deserve to be a Muslim?

Wow. I must be joking myself.
I mean, get real right?
I should salute those non-praying, hugging-and-kissing-in-public-couples, practices-premarital-sex, free-hair-modern couple that goes clubbing and drink beer,
Because they still deserve to be called Muslims right?

While me on the other hand,
Pray 5 times a day, never kissed my boyfriend, don't eat pork or drink beer, never stepped into a club and still a virgin, should be ruled out of Islam because I have a boyfriend?

How funny this world has turned into.
Even falling in love is considered a crime.
Note to self : Tell The Boyfriend to marry me tomorrow, because it's a sin to be my boyfriend.
Or even better, dump my boyfriend, be a nun and submit myself into a convent.

Why not point out that I have a Chinese boyfriend too?
Because I seriously think it would look so bloody impressive to defend your case.
Throw in my boyfriend drinks wine and eat bah kut teh too.

Am I saying that having a boyfriend is illegal in Islam?
I am not saying so.
Then am I saying it's legal?
I did not say so.

That is because I don't want to take any side yet,
Since I have never come across any hadith or Quranic verse that states one shall not have boyfriend etc etc etc.
Because the last time I checked,
Even if it is a sin, I should not be ruled out from becoming a Muslim.

Because one is no longer considered a Muslim if one has either acted the will of converting out of Islam, or one has said the will of converting out of Islam or one has the thought to realise the will to convert out of Islam.

And seriously, the last time I checked, I was not in any of the category above.
In fact, I still go to pray when I hang out with my non-Muslim friends.
Ask them, because you as an outsider clearly have no better idea of who I am and how I behaved.

So I do curse a lot.
I did once hold my boyfriend's hand.
I did things I shouldn't do.
But I put boundaries to what I do.
Of course I have sinned.
I am not denying it.
I am just merely a human.

But if you said that simply because I have a boyfriend,
That I should convert out of Islam,
That is just plain crap of bullshit!

If every single Muslims think the way you think,
There is no where anytime ever,
Will there be any Muallaf.

You know, since you can't have boyfriends,
Therefore obviously you can't have boyfriends from other race,
Then of course there's no way you could show the beauty of Islam to the other race.

It all click right?

Just between you and me, 'someone'.
I hope you did your careful thought on that 'muallaf' part,
And I bet you know this,
But just a small reminder from my behalf,
'Fitna' to your own relatives is also a big sin,
For God and Rasulullah himself have stated that one who spread rumours about the others,
It is just the same as eating rotten meat of one's relatives.

If you are wise enough to flame me with untrue accusations,
I am sure you're wise enough to reflect upon my words.

Signing Out,
Just another emo post.

Sometimes you kind of wondered what you mean to him,
You wondered what makes you different from them,
You wondered how he feels for you.

Because he never shows.
He never tells.
He never makes you feel what he feels.

You cried, and you moan.
You get upset and you groan.
You tossed and turned,
Thinking of what's right and wrong.

You asked,
Is it right to stay?
Is it right to love?
Is it right to wait?
Is it right to be upset?

You decided.
And you wanted to let him have a piece of your mind.

But you failed,
For probably the 100th time.

Because the look of him convince you,
For the 100th time,
He's worth waiting.
He's worth the pain.
And he's worth loving.