~I mentally kick myself....~

I mentally kick myself...
...when I don't know who I am anymore
...when I am having feeling that I am not supposed to feel
...when I doubted people I'm not supposed to
...when I am confused with what I feel about a certain somebody

I mentally kick myself
...when I fall asleep numerous times when I am supposed to do my homework
...when I feel jealous for no apparent reason
...when I feel possessive when clearly I don't own it/him/her
...when I hated someone because I don't like what I see

I mentally kick myself
...when I hate people because I hate myself because seeing them remind me about how much I hate myself
...when I have evil thoughts about someone
...when I secretly discriminate everything that I saw
...when I think why is it that that person has everything I don't have despite I am better than him/her

I mentally kick myself
...when I have thoughts like above
...when I scolded my sister because I was tired
...when I don't feel like being cheery to everyone because I am angry with myself
...when I scream at people just because I have a really terrible day

I mentally kick myself
...when I mentally kick myself eventhough I don't know why
...when I like someone I'm not supposed to like
...when I hate someone I'm not supposed to hate
...when I avoid someone because I am afraid of who I am when I'm with them

I mentally kick myself
...when I break my promises even after thousands of promises made
...when I do not accomplish what I wanted when the reason behind it all is because of me
...when I refuse to blame no one but me eventhough sometimes it's not my fault
...when I have doubts about things I am not supposed to doubt

I mentally kick myself
...when I treat people meanly because I was being mean to myself
...when I pretend to myself and everyone else because I believe if lying is going to make things better, then I shall lie.
...when I sometimes think evil of someone who seeks my help
...when I listen to no one, not even myself

I mentally kick myself
...when I don't like what I see
...when I don't like what I hear
...when I don't like what I say
... when I don't like what I do

What can I do?
I love to mentally kick myself.

It's not that I don't like you, or I don't care.
It's just that I am busy mentally kicking myself.
I needed the private time for me to mentally kick myself.

Sorry if I was quiet and looked troubled.
I was just angry with myself.
Don't ask why.
Most of the time I don't know either.

The next time I am like that,
ignore me.
I feel bad not talking to you.

I would never live having the feeling of hate towards people.
And I will still continue living that way.

Signing Out,
This girl loves to mentally kick herself.